February 4th, 2010 
Maria Helm 
Shameless procrastination. Reluctantly saying yes. Complaining relentlessly. Feeling like a martyr. You go through all that, when a two-letter word could have set you free from obligation: “No.” Darn it, I can’t. Sorry, no. Love to, but no, can’t do it this time. That’s what your inner bobblehead was screaming as your mouth said, “Yes, I’d love to host this year’s Superbowl party.”
Thinking you are a bad person for saying no is a symptom of “the disease to please.” Do the right thing – for yourself and others – by opting out. Don’t feel guilty.
Saying No, Step-by-Step
- Dodge first, then digest. Never answer in the moment. Try “Let me get back to you.” This gives you time to weigh your options and compose yourself before answering.
- Don’t fall for flattery. If someone makes an appeal to your vanity, you might not notice that it is the wrong time or the wrong assignment for you.
- Is this in your best interests? Donating time and energy to a goal that isn’t your own only hinders the group’s efforts to find someone who can really perform.
- Give yourself credit for being generous most of the time. Don’t beat yourself up for the one time you say no when you’ve said yes so many time before.
On Second Thought: How to Back Out
So you didn’t get it right the first time – “Yes” tumbled out before you could think about it. There are still ways to back out gracefully, which is better than not backing out at all and being an unexplained no-show. Here are tips for getting it right the second time.
- Correct your mistake sooner rather than later. The longer someone has false hopes of your involvement, the harder it will be for her to replace you.
- Admit you screwed up when you said yes. Acknowledge any disappointmet, but don’t wallow in it. Just say, “I know this complicates things for you, and I apologize for that.”
- Don’t feel obliged to elaborate on how or why you’ve come to your senses (unless it’s a good friend). The less you say, the better. Any excuse you give invites scrutiny and more discussion.
- Offer to help find a solution or a person to take your place. It’s a nice thing thing to do, and the memory of this added chore should remind you to say no immediately to future requests.
Learn to identify what is important to you that you must commit to and things that you can ignore or say no to without negative consequences.
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Maria, this is such an important lesson. Another thing I’ve learned is when I’m in a leadership position that I need to make it clear that I’m not the safety net (e.g., when someone drops the ball, there’s an assumption that I’m going to handle it). In that case, I’ve learned to put it back on the team and see if I can delegate or at the very least, split up the work we have from someone backing out.